my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
