plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
