You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
