I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
