i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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