I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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