I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
