i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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