I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I did not marry a roomba.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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