Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
