I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
