And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The air taste purple.
Randomize