i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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