good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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