my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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