I faked an abortion last night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That accounts for only three of the penises
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
