I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize