And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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