ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
