You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
