I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A bitchslap is in order.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
