You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
