i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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