god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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