I smell stomach acid.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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