Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
