what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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