theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
