His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
