I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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