my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
