guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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