a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Randomize
