i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
