You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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