This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
