Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
