someone threw a dead crab at me
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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