apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
