I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
