why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
