how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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