It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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