Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
