I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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