I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize