Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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