i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
