I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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