Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
