Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
pop tarts are not kleenex
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
