My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
