the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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