i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Nobody cheats on THIS.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
