Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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