my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
