I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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