You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
