she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
