State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
